Standing Strong Against Spoilers (British Style)

Opener: Doctor Doctor, I feel like Dr Bob off of Veterinarian’s Hospital.


Response: Lie on the side of the bed and you'll soon drop off...oh wait, that's another joke. Why do you feel like Dr Bob off of Veterinarian’s Hospital?
Answer: Because I need all the patients I can get. *rimshot*

Get it?

Patients?

Patience?

Oh never mind...

Greetings to all (excluding Americans), it is I, the British Correspondent, with some words of wisdom and comfort during this trying time of need. I, like you, have been denied the pleasure of having The Muppets movie released in my esteemed country at this hour and, like yourselves, I will require all the will power available in the world to resist reading every review, snooping at every spoiler and viewing every video-spot until the celluloid reels (or whatever they use these days) are packed up and shipped out to all areas of Earth (and possible Koozebane).

So far, I have allowed myself to read a few articles, to watch all the amazing trailers and to even peek (through my fingers) at the brilliant clips such as Walter’s Great Idea and The Montage. But that is as far as I can go without risking ruining the movie. Believe me, when I saw “A Totally Spoilery Review of The Muppets” posted at ToughPigs the other day, it took physical restraint to stop myself from clicking it open. And when I saw one of my esteemed Muppet fans (one whose opinion on the Kermiggy relationship I trust more than any) had posted a review at Muppet Central, I had to close the entire web browser not to have a quick...teensy weensy....little read.

So, that said, what can we do instead to channel our Muppet NEED to see, hear and read whatever we can of The Muppets?

Well, we may not have The Muppets (tm) but we DO have The Muppets themselves with us right here, right now on DVD (or VCR, or whatever). Last night I took all my pent up anticipation and Muppenergy and sat down to watch The Muppet Movie.

“KERMIT!” screamed my inner Muppet enthusiast, “There he is! How green and glorious. OH! GONZO! He’s a plumber! That’s funny! Wow, these songs are great. LOOK THERE’S ROWLF! I’ve not seen Rowlf in AGES! Hahaha. The Chef messed up the projection reel – I love how he’s used so much these days. And now there’s the Electric Mayhem come to help them in the desert. Brilliant. Look at Animal playing his drums! I bet Animal will never give up his drums (*cough*) Oh look, a ‘Standard Rich and Famous Contract’ – I am sure I saw that in a trailer recently. Aww...and listen to that simply fantastic original Rainbow Connection Reprise. Life really IS like a movie.”

So you see, that is one excellent way to pour your enthusiasm for The (new) Muppets into seeing The (old?) Muppets with new eyes.

Other suggestions include:

• Grow a moustache (also helpful when needing a disguise for investigating any local Muppet appearances during the promotion in your area)

• Put yourself into a coma for a few months ala Sleeping Beauty (Why is there never a spinning wheel somewhere about when you need one?)

• Time travel (forward, not backward, but then again if you can afford time travel just get a ticket to America for a private screening)

• Watch Muppets From Space once through...by the time you have managed to actually sit through the whole thing without getting bored, switching it off, changing channel or pausing it to GO PEE!, The Muppets will be released in your area

• Rather than reading articles about The Muppets, write articles about your favourite Muppets and submit them to The Muppet Mindset

• Alternatively, browse The Muppet Mindset archives (using the filter: TBC, for only the best)

• Arrange to have Jason Segel’s rubbish delivered to your home and see if you can find a copy of the original script somewhere in there between the orange peel and the egg shells.

• Buy Muppet Merchandise and try and piece together the entire plot from things you read on the packaging

• Make your own stop-motion version of The Muppets using claydough (will your Mupplastic ending be as good as the real one?)

• Visit any locations that they may have been to in the movie (S.O.R.N., for example, or Paris)

• Try to answer the question: “Man or Muppet” without having an existential crisis (A Muplife crisis?)

• Promote the movie in a unique way: dress as a Muppet and hand out flyers in your local supermarket...just a suggestion...I will not pay bail if you get arrested

• But most of all, have a fantastic Christmas and New Year and before you know it...The Muppets will be upon you!

They say the longer you anticipate something the better it will be...

...I say, that is rubbish, we (the 99%) should riot until the 1% hand over The Muppets to us right NOW!!!

-The British Correspondent (See how I went all political there at the end???)