Weekly Human Wednesdays: Snake Walker

Written by Mark Hansen.

SNAKE WALKER

Performed by...
Scott Walker

Appeared in...
The Muppet Movie (1979)

What he does...
Kill frogs

Memorable quote...
“Kill frogs.”

WHO IS SNAKE WALKER?
Very little is known about Mr. Walker, but his legacy looms large in Muppet history. Doc Hopper, charmed by Kermit the Frog’s natural charisma, insists he become the national spokesfrog for his French Fried Frog Leg chain of restaurants. Kermit, understandably, turns this offer down, in spite of a very lucrative offer of five hundred American dollars. Hopper then takes a hard turn from businessman with a dream to homicidal sociopath, hires the best (and only?) frog assassin in the Western United States.

Snake Walker, like most assassins wears all black to blend in the shadows. Unlike most assassins, he also wears goggles, presumably because his targets are amphibians. His weapon of choice is a gun that shoots what appears to be a sharpened tuning fork. Fortunately, the only Kermit impaled by the tuning fork is a crude stick figure at target practice. He was last seen running from the Godzilla-sized Animal, along with Hopper’s motley crew of various hooligan and non-frog-based ruffians. Presumably, he’s given up contract killing/pest control, perhaps becoming a singer-songwriter?

WHY DO THE MUPPETS NEED SNAKE WALKER?
I suppose in terms of story structure, Snake Walker’s presence is what pushes Hopper’s right-hand man Max to have a crisis of conscience and culminates in the big showdown. But really, the Muppets don’t need Snake Walker. They need him not!

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

Weekly Human Wednesday: Long John Silver

Today's Weekly Human Wednesday post was written by Kyle Mahoney. Kyle wishes to apologize for his long absence from writing for the Weekly Human Wednesdays series. He was stuck in a bank vault for three months with only Honey Nut Cheerios to eat. It was rough.

LONG JOHN SILVER

Performed by...
Tim Curry

Appeared in...
Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Acquaintances and Shipmates...
Benjamina Gunn (former flame), Jim Hawkins (friend), Polly Lobster (Pet)

Best known role...
Head cook on the Hispaniola, Briefly the Captain of the Hispaniola, former first mate to Bernie Flint, the
One Legged Man.

Memorable quote(s)...
"Talking... parrots?"
"Bright as paint you are lad, bright as paint!"
"You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me."

WHO IS LONG JOHN SILVER?
Years before the adventures of Jim Hawkins, Captain Bernie Flint buried a treasure and left his crew for dead, but not all of his crew. His first mate was Long John Silver, who survived Flint's attack and vowed to get the treasure back.

Billy Bones also knows of this story, and warns Jim Hawkins, Gonzo, and Rizzo to beware the One-Legged Man, for he brings death. On the great ship Hispaniola the gang meets Long John Silver, who is the cook for the voyage and they befriend him, even after seeing his one leg and meeting his shifty pet, Polly Lobster.

It is learned that Long John Silver was able to persuade Mr. Bimble to hire the questionable crew that lies under the command of Captain Abraham Smollet. During the voyage, Long John and Jim become close friends, almost father and son. Jim eventually reveals to Long John that he was in possession of the map before being forced to give it to Smollet. After Polly Lobster, Clueless Morgan, and Mad Monty were put in the brig, Long John comes to visit to tell them his revised plan for mutiny. Silver then tricks Mr. Samuel Arrow into giving him his keys and abandons him in a lifeboat.

Soon, Jim, Gonzo, and Rizzo learn of his plans and Captain Smollet decides to let them go to the island and will leave them all there for a year or so. But Long John, being the sneaky genius he is, brings Jim along with them. On the island Jim is forced by Long John to guide the pirates to the treasure. His crew begins to turn on him when there is no treasure in the chests, but using his power of persuasion, he gets their trust back.

We also learn that in the past, Long John had a romance with Benjamina Gunn, who refers to him as "Loooooooooooooooong John." But their reunion is cut short when he threatens her former fiancé Smollet. He hangs the two lovers above the ocean and heads for where Benjamina has hidden the treasure.

During the final battle, Long John does battle with Smollet and loses quickly. He gives up his sword with honor to Jim and is brought upon the Hispaniola to be brought to trial back in England. He escapes, steals the treasure and almost makes off in a lifeboat until Jim finds him and almost blows his cover. After a heartfelt exchange, Jim tells Long John to leave, and he does. But in the very end Mr. Arrow informs the Captain that Long John took a very unsafe lifeboat, and he is later seen trying to save his treasure in his sinking little boat.

WHY DO THE MUPPETS NEED LONG JOHN SILVER?
Because it would have been a very boring movie otherwise. Long John is a brilliant, filthy villain, but is still able to have a heart and still honors the friendship he made with Jim. Long John needs to be there so that there is adventure, without him then it would have been a simple mission. Long john brings the action and Tim Curry had the perfect cockney accent to make a human character as vibrant as a Muppet.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

Weekly Human Wednesdays: Gary

Today's post is written by Kyle Mahoney.

GARY

Performed by...
Jason Segel
  
Appeared in...
The Muppets (2011)

Family...
Walter (brother)

Significant other...
Mary 

Memorable quotes...
"Walter? Okay... this is awesome. We're at Kermit's house."

"Walter and I are great sewers!"

WHO IS GARY?
Gary is an all-American boy from Smalltown, USA. He was on the baseball team, was in scouts, and even started a local cleaning business with his brother Walter. Gary and Walter's easy going life is summed up in "Life's a Happy Song," which takes us through Smalltown where we meet Mary, whom Gary has been dating since High School. In honor of his and Mary's tenth anniversary, Gary decides to take Mary on a trip to Los Angeles so they can have a romantic dinner and see the sights.

But Gary feels like Walter won't be able to survive without him, so they bring him along on the vacation as well. When Walter learns of Tex Richman's plans to destroy the Muppets, Gary and Mary become part of the search for Kermit. After getting all the Muppets together, Gary volunteers all of his time to helping his new Muppet friends and Mary feels neglected. Gary feels like he needs to stay with Walter, while Mary realizes that Walter has found a niche within the Muppet family.

Gary tells Mary to see the sights and he'll meet up with her later on. But when he finally meets up with her, he forgets that it was their anniversary and she storms out of their motel room. A confused Gary goes to Walter who is worried about finding a talent, the two end up in a spat over whose life is more important. During the fight, Gary realizes that he forgot the anniversary and rushes back to try and apologize to Mary, but she had already gone back to Smalltown leaving a note asking Gary whether he was a man or a Muppet.

He begins to peer deep into his soul to figure that out for himself; seeing both the man and Muppet within himself, but he realizes that he is meant to be with Mary so he returns to Smalltown. The two watch the Muppet Telethon and although Mary offers to go back and help, Gary once again states that he made his choice, especially since he just sang a whole song about it. But the two eventually head off to L.A., traveling by map, and help bring power back to the Muppet Theater. Gary and Mary's love inspires Kermit to rekindle his love with Piggy. When the Muppets need their final act, Gary is the one to inspire Walter, because he's his hero. While watching Walter perform his "Whistling Carouso," Gary states that "He's all grown up."

After the Muppets lose the theater, leave, and see their fans, Gary lets his brother go with the Muppets. Gary joins the cast in the finale of "Life's a Happy Song" stating that he and Mary will live happily ever after. At the very end of the movie, Gary takes out a ring and finally proposes to Mary who replies with a perfectly placed "Mahna Mahna."

JASON SEGEL AND GARY
To be perfectly honest, Gary and Jason Segel are pretty much the same exact person. The Muppets was Segel's dream project. He had always loved the Muppets and was honored when Disney agreed to let him and Nicholas Stoller write the script. Sadly Jason will not be returning to write or appear in the Unnamed Muppets Sequel. But to be honest having a reoccurring human wouldn't be very Muppet-y.

WHY DO THE MUPPETS NEED GARY?
Without Gary, the Muppets would have never been saved and Walter would have never found his true place in the world. Gary has his flaws, such as needing to be needed by his brother and just being plain oblivious. Also, without Jason Segel, us Muppet fans might not have as much to be proud of. We need Gary, because without him, the whole adventure wouldn't have happened, and all we would have is a demolished theater with an oil rig. But instead we have one of the best Muppet adventures we've had in years.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

Weekly Human Wednesday: Ebeneezer Scrooge

Today's Weekly Human Wednesday article is written by Kyle Mahoney and comes in honor of The Muppet Christmas Carol releasing on Blu-ray yesterday. Be sure to read our review of the release.

EBENEEZER SCROOGE

Performed by...
Michael Caine

Only appearance...
The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) 

Best known role...
Curmudgeonly money lender; Bob Cratchit's Employer; former business partners of the Marleys

Aliases...
Mr. Humbug; Mr. Grim

Family/Relationships...
Nephew Fred; Fred's wife Clara; ex-fiance Belle

Memorable quote(s)...
"Bah, humbug!"

"How would the bookkeepers like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED!!"

WHO IS EBENEEZER SCROOGE?
Ebeneezer Scrooge is the main character of Charles Dickens' masterpiece A Christmas Carol, which was adapted by the Muppets in 1992. Instead of the Muppets being the central focus of the film, a human was chosen for the lead role of Scrooge because the writers felt that no Muppet could believably fill the role without losing his or her already-defined character.

Ebenezer is a cold, sharp money lender who has little to no sympathy or love for anyone other than himself and his money. In his employment are kindly Bob Cratchit (Kermit the Frog) and a group of bookkeeping rats whom he treats poorly. We also meet Scrooge's only relative, his nephew Fred, and although he is family, Scrooge has little love for his nephew. When Scrooge returns to his home he is visited by the ghosts of his former business partners Jacob and Robert Marley (Statler and Waldorf) who explain to him that he will be visited by three more ghosts and that if he doesn't change his greedy ways he will end up in horrible conditions after his death. Being the skeptic he is, Scrooge believes them to be an illusion and goes to bed.

Scrooge then gets a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past, who takes him to his boyhood at school where we see how he never goes home for Christmas and spends all his time studying. As we see him grow into a man we learn from his headmaster (Sam the Eagle) that we will be apprenticing at Fozziwig's Rubber Chicken Factory. We fast forward a few years and Ebenezer watches himself fall in love all over again with Belle at a Christmas party. A few years later Belle leaves Ebenezer because his focus is his work, not his love.

After being returned home Scrooge meets the absent-minded Ghost of Christmas Present who shows him the present. He sings about all the wonderful things Christmas can bring and Scrooge starts to change. He asks to see loved ones, kin, so he is taken to see his nephew Fred and his wife Clara. Ebenezer watches as they play a guessing game, but is saddened to see that the unwanted creature Fred was thinking of was himself. We then travel to the home of Bob Cratchit where Scrooge sees Bob's family, including Tiny Tim (Robin the Frog). Scrooge sees the condition of the child and truly becomes concerned with the child's health.

The Ghost of Christmas Present leaves Scrooge to the hands of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. Scrooge tells this spirit that he will obey and learn whatever he has to tell him. Scrooge walks around the city and hears nothing but the sounds of hatred of a man and the joy his death brought. He is then once again taken to the house of Bob Cratchit where he learns that Tiny Tim has passed away. Scrooge is then brought to the cemetery to find out that the deceased man is himself. He wearily asks the spirit "Are these the shadows of things that will be, or are they the shadows of things that may be only?"

Scrooge then awakes in his own room on Christmas morning, a completely changed man. He rushes out into the streets and starts to treat everyone he meets infinitely better than he had before. He buys coal for the bookkeepers, presents for his old headmaster and Fozziwig, as well as Nephew Fred, and he is especially generous when he reaches the Cratchit's house. He raises Bob's salary, brings them gifts and a Christmas feast with the entire town. With Scrooge's change of heart, he becomes like a second father to Tiny Tim and was a good a man as any.

WHY DO THE MUPPETS NEED EBENEZER SCROOGE?
The Muppets needed Scrooge because no Muppet character could have taken on a role so mean and nasty. The character was not meant to be Muppety, he was meant to be a character straight from Dickens' text. Michael Caine was a perfect choice as Scrooge and worked very well with the Muppet characters. His singing voice is pretty darn great too.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

Weekly Human Wednesdays: Doc Hopper

Today's article is written by frequent contributor Kyle Mahoney.

DOC HOPPER

Performed by...
Charles Durning

Only appearance...
The Muppet Movie (1979)

Best known role...
Owner of Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog's Legs; businessman; ruthless hunter of Kermit the Frog and company

Friends...
He thought Max was his friend, but he was wrong.

Memorable Quotes...
"No frog's gonna make a monkey out of me!"

WHO IS DOC HOPPER?
Doc Hopper is the main antagonist of The Muppet Movie. He owns a chain of fast food restaurants aptly named Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog's Legs. He first finds Kermit after his assistant Max spots him performing with Fozzie Bear in the El Sleazo Café. Shortly after Kermit and Fozzie join forces, Doc approaches Kermit and proposes that Kermit be the new spokesfrog for his restaurant.

After Kermit's refusal, Doc relentlessly pursues him by putting up billboards and even kidnapping Miss Piggy to lure Kermit. But Doc is not alone, he is aided by his assistant Max who eventually has a change of heart. He also hires Dr. Krassman, the world's leading authority in frog mind control. One of the last people to associate with Doc Hopper is Snake Walker, a bounty hunter who specializes in frogs. He is hired by Doc to kill Kermit because if Doc can't have him, then no one can.

A FUTURE OF FROG'S LEGS?

In the 2002 TV movie It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, the angel Daniel brings Kermit into an alternate reality in which he was never born. While in Bitterman Plaza they come across a Doc Hopper's Frog Legs Restaurant. Since Kermit was never born, Doc Hopper had nothing in his way to achieve his life's dream.

In the 2003 Nintendo Game Boy Advance and PC game Spy Muppets: License to Croak, Pepe (as villainous King Prawn) at one point defeats Kermit (Agent Frog) and tells him they he will end up on at plate at Doc Hopper's.

WHY DO THE MUPPETS NEED DOC HOPPER?
He's a villain, that's why! Doc Hopper may seem like a gentle southern businessman, but he is actually ruthless and greedy. He was an important part in Kermit's history, and without him Kermit wouldn't have met all of his friends on his way to Hollywood. The recurring use of his franchise also shows what an important character he is and how he affected the Muppet world.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

Weekly Human Wednesdays: The Man from Timepiece

Today's article, as with all the articles in the Weekly Human Wednesdays series, is written by Kyle Mahoney.

THE MAN

Performed by...
Jim Henson (1964)

Only appearance...
Jim Henson's Time Piece (1964)

Best known role(s)...
Secretary ogler, Tarzan impersonator, elephant painter

Family...
A wife (played by Enid Cafritz)

Memorable quote...
"Help."

WHO IS THE MAN?
The man is... we're not too sure. We at least know that he's the star of Jim Henson's 1964 experimental short film Time Piece. In that film, we can tell that he's a guy who's in a hospital who has a drum for a heartbeat. He has a wife who makes him a lovely dinner, and he enjoys walking through the city in various outfits. He also enjoys a good run on various outfits.

On a normal day he will swing on a vine like Tarzan, go out to dinner naked only to appear as his own main course. Then he'll shoot the Mona Lisa and go to jail. He will then escape and run away putting on various disguises along the way such as a tuxedo. If he has a spare moment he will grab an elephant and paint it pink. When he's done he'll head over to a diving board and begin soaring on a contraption similar to Daedalus' creation in the Greek Myth of Icarus. Sadly, he'll get shot down by every kind of weapon people can find. And all that is left of his day is to be flushed down the toilet.

WHY DOES TIMEPIECE NEED THE MAN?
The Man drives the... story? Time Piece is really confusing (as most experimental films are), so it's hard to say why exactly he's necessary... but without him, there wouldn't be a Time Piece at all. Basically, this response is just as confusing as the actual film... so enjoy this picture of Jim Henson's head in a toilet.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

Weekly Human Wednesdays: Jareth

Written by Kyle Mahoney.

JARETH

Performed by...
David Bowie (1986)

First appearance...
Labyrinth (1986)

Most recent appearance...
Jim Henson's Return to Labyrinth (TOKYOPOP Manga) (2010)

Best known role...
King of the Goblins; Master of the Labyrinth; granter of wishes

Enemies...
Sarah Williams, Sir Didymus, Ludo, Hoggle

WHO IS JARETH?
Jareth is the ruler of Goblin City and the Labyrinth that surrounds it. He, along with his goblin army, overheard Sarah's wish to have her half-brother, Toby taken away forever. He is endowed with many magical abilities aided by crystals. He is able to teleport himself at will, transform into a white owl, turn humans into goblins (his plan for Toby) and cause hallucinations.

Although Hoggle, Ludo, and Sir Didymus are all his subjects who betray him, Jareth only cares about Hoggle's betrayal. Constantly sneaking up on him and questioning his actions. Jareth threatens to throw him into the Bog of Eternal Stench as punishment for treason.

He also performs in the film's musical numbers: "Magic Dance," "As the World Falls Down," and "Within You." These musical numbers all revolve around Sarah and were all written by Jareth's performer, David Bowie.

JARETH AND SARAH
At first Jareth just seems to be helping Sarah out by fulfilling her wish, but he later becomes enamored with her. He offers him one of his crystals in order for him to not only control her but to turn Toby into a Goblin. During the musical number, "As the World Falls Down," Jareth causes Sarah to fall into a hallucination in which the two are at a masquerade ball and dance together.

He sings to her again with "Within You" where he states his unrequited love as she searches for her brother in a maze not unlike M.C. Esher's famous painting, "Relativity." He sings of everything he is offering her and he becomes devastated when she refuses.

RETURN TO LABYRINTH
In the 4-Part Manga Series Return to Labyrinth we learn that even after Sarah and Toby come home to their parents, Jareth hasn’t given up all hope on Toby. He and his Goblins have been protecting Toby for the last 15 years and making sure he gets everything his heart desires until the day when he would return to Labyrinth (hence the name) and become the heir to the Goblin Kingdom.

JARETH, JIM HENSON, AND DAVID BOWIE
Jim Henson knew that one of the reasons The Dark Crystal didn't do as well as he hoped was because people might have been off put by its lack of "Henson-ness" that people were accustomed to. So when he began working on Labyrinth he knew he wanted musical numbers written by a major musician who would also perform the character of Jareth. Jim was drawn to Bowie's "other-worldliness and energy" which made him a perfect casting choice.

WHY DOES LABYRINTH NEED JARETH?
The Labyrinth needs Jareth because without him there would be no Labyrinth. He is charmingly evil and classy. He is also needed because I bet his crystals were the inspiration for the children's toy "Fushigi."

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

Weekly HUMAN Wednesdays: Bob

As always, today's Weekly Human Wednesday post is written by Kyle Mahoney.

BOB

Performed by...
Bob McGrath (1969-present)

First appearance...
Sesame Street Season 1: Episode 0001 (1969)

Most recent appearance...
Jim Henson's Musical World (2012) and will appear in Sesame Street Season 43

Best known role...
Sesame Street's resident music teacher; person in your neighborhood; member of "The Lovers of 5," and perpetual wearer of sweaters

Full name...
Bob Johnson

Friends...
Everyone on Sesame Street, no one isn't friends there.

WHO IS BOB?
Bob is one of the many humans who inhabit Sesame Street. He lives in an apartment above Hooper’s Store. He was one of the original human characters on the show in 1969 and has been on the show for the past 43 years. Whenever Bob comes around he usually sings (he is a music teacher after all) but music is not all the he teaches. While most of the humans act as parents to the younger street residents, Bob rarely takes a disciplinary role with the young characters, as more of a teacher. as opposed to a parent. 

Bob is perhaps best known for the song "People in Your Neighborhood," in which he sings about careers with various Anything Muppets. Other hits by Bob include "Believe in Yourself," "I Am Your Friend," "Morningtown Ride," "A Face," and "Loud and Soft." He is also a member of "The Lovers of 5" with Gordon, David, and Luis. Bob has released many albums over the years, including Bob Sings!, Bob McGrath From Sesame Street, Bob! from Sesame Street Christmas Sing Along, and Bob's Favorite Street Songs.

During her time on the show Linda (played by deaf actress Linda Bove) and Bob were a very close, somewhat romantic couple. Bob and Linda were often paired together and Bob acted as her interpreter via sign language. A prime example of their never-defined relationship is in the special Christmas Eve on Sesame Street, in which Linda surprises Bob with a chorus of kids singing "Keep Christmas With You." Bob apparently chose Linda over Molly the Mail Lady, who appeared in the early seasons of the show and was very interested in Bob... who spurned her advances at every turn.

Bob appeared in both Sesame Street feature films, Follow That Bird and The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland. Bob has lived in an apartment above Hooper's Store, a location in which he had to house Oscar the Grouch, Honkers, Dingers, monsters, and various animals during a hurricane. Some of Bob's family members have made appearances on Sesame Street as well, including his deaf niece Samara and his Uncle Wally, who was a regular on the show for a few seasons. Although Bob has been on the show since the premiere, in recent years his role has been reduced as the number of episodes per season is reduced. Lately, Bob has been used in quite a few parodies, including "TraingleBob TrianglePants."

WHY DOES SESAME STREET NEED BOB?
Sesame Street needs Bob because he acts older and, therefore, a bit wiser. He also sings many important songs on the show. He does what many of the other adults do, but to be honest he’s just my personal favorite. He seems like such a sweet man and his love for the Muppets making his life interesting seems so warm and so genuine, even if he gets a pie in the face every now and then. So in short, we need Bob so he can be Bob, there's no better reason.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com