The Muppet Guide to College

NEWS UPDATE - October 20th, 2009
Sesame Street has launched a new 40th Anniversary site. Here you can watch classic clips and learn some neat history of the show. The highlight, however, is the chance to vote for the Greatest Sesame Street Clip of All-Time. Each week before the premiere of the 40th Season, Sesame fans can vote for the greatest video of a new decade. This week: The 2000's! Might I suggest the fantastic "A's Anatomy"?

The Muppet Guide to College

Ryan Dosier - Are you like me? Of course you are, you're a Muppet fan! But how else might you be like me? Well, if you're a college student in this nutty world of ours, then you are even more like me (also if you're male, six-feet tall, and wear size 11 1/2 shoes, you're also like me--but that's another article for another time). How is college life going for you, oh Muppet fan of expressed insanity? Again, if you're like me, it could be better.

What are we as college-level Muppet fans to do? How do we, the ardent followers of Jim Henson, convey our much higher wisdom and thought processes to those at the college level who just don't get it? More importantly, how do we survive such un-Henson-like things that colleges fester upon?

That's where The Muppet Mindset comes in. Our patented system holds some key pieces of advice on how to deal with and sway those lower minded collegiate individuals who don't consider Jim Henson to be the greatest thinker of all-time and don't still watch and learn from Sesame Street.

Problem 1 - Roommate Difficulty
Do you have a roommate? Is he/she annoying on all levels? Does he/she refuse to sleep at a reasonable hour of the night? Has he/she ever offered you "special" brownies? ...Don't answer that last one. How do you as a self-respecting Muppet fan deal with such a person? You must take a page from Sesame Street in this case (no, not the unaired episode where Cookie Monster got "special" brownies from Lefty the Salesman--sheesh!), where the best (worst) roommate of all time resides as an example to us all.

That's right, Muppet fans, you must be like Ernie. You must pester this roommate of yours until he/she becomes so fed up with our constant, usually harmless, abuse. Sculpt a bust of this roommate, "running out" of clay when it comes time for the nose and steal his/her nose to finish the project. Propose a fishing trip and shout "Heeeeere fishy, fishy, fishy!" in the middle of the pond. In the middle of the night, whisper, "Pssst [insert roommate's name here], are you awake?" If they don't answer, proceed to play your drum set into the wee hours of the night until they do. Having trouble sleeping? Hire some Boogie-Woogie Sheep to help you dance your groove thing to sleep (and then carry your roommate out of the room--an added bonus!).

Yes, Muppet fans, with these simple tasks you may just find that you have a dorm room all to yourself. (NOTE: If you're the Bert in this relationship, try talking to your roommate nonstop about your paperclip and bottlecap collections along with your affinity for pigeons.)

Problem 2 - College Eating

Most colleges feature food that is only classifiable as food because it's labeled as such. How do you survive? Once more, we Muppet fans turn to Sesame Street. Cookie Monster is arguably the greatest eater of all time (apologies to President William Howard Taft--worry not, however, for he received a lovely consolation prize), so why not simply imitate the great furry blue thing? I don't advise devouring only cookies at every meal (if you do, Fox News will be on your case, labeling you "Veggie Muppet Fan"), but instead eating everything in a ravenous fashion.

Even if the "food" is passable at most, by simply grabbing the "fish" tacos in both hands and shoving them towards your mouth whilst shouting "Arrrum-num-num-num!" is a great way to eat without having time to taste the glorified slop. Take special precaution when doing this with extremely hot or extremely cold food, however.

(NOTE: If you're trying to make friends in college, this method is not advisable.)

Problem 3 - Conformity
College offers the unique opportunity to discover yourself through specialized classes, majors, and student organizations. It also offers the stereotypical opportunity to be just like every other moronic college student on earth. From beer pong to hammocks in the hallway at 2am, you'd be hard-pressed to find a college campus where a fine, upstanding Muppet fan truly feels accepted. To deal with this, we turn to the (thankfully) one and only Gonzo the Great.

Gonzo doesn't fit in anywhere, but he still has friends! If you find yourself lacking in the chum department (not the marine sort of chum--in that case, turn to Sea World), start to embrace your inner whatever a little more. Perhaps elaborate on why you enjoy tap-dancing on a mixture of tapioca pudding and thumbtacks--maybe even adding in a little demonstration. If you find yourself attracted to chicks of the poultry persuasion, as Gonzo would say, don't hide it, ignite it! Show off your clucking queen to those great minds of college binge drinking themselves to an early grave--chances are they won't remember you or the chicken in the morning (chances are even higher that they'll wake up with a chicken in their bed the next morning).

Once you let your true weirdo shine through, you'll be embraced as the lovably irreverent freak of the group. Maybe they'll even let you do your spoon gargling act at the fraternity talent show! (NOTE: Again... if you're actually trying to make friends in college this probably isn't a good idea.)

Problem 4 - Homework
Are you swamped with homework (Kermit: "And not the good kind of swamped.")? Are you constantly battling insomnia just to stay up and read one last poem discussing the similarities between ball-point pens and conservative television or one last analytical essay about talk radio? If so, The Muppet Mindset has a cure for you! How do you as a Muppet fan use your higher intellectual ability to combat this growing problem of studying? Simple: Make everything relate to Muppets.

Studying world history? Imagine how Global Grover would teach it. Psychology? There is perhaps no better psychological experiment than The Great Gonzo. Biology? Hello, most of the Muppets are biological! Math? The Count. Environmental Science? The Fraggles vs. The Doozers vs. The Gorgs vs. The Silly Creatures. Radiology? I'm sure Beaker is somewhat radioactive. Music Theory? The Electric Mayhem. Philosophy? Cantus the Minstrel. Theater? Prairie Dawn. Politics? Sam Eagle. Fashion? Miss Piggy. Architecture? Biff and Sully. Chemistry? Kermit and Miss Piggy. Mortuary Science? Uncle Deadly! Dictatorship in the Modern Age? Elmo.

There is, literally, a Muppet or a Muppet idea that can be applied to every subject. You just have to use your Muppet fan wisdom to discover which one applies where.

Problem 5 - Paying for Tuition
College takes more money from you than anything ever will (depending on how much the new eFX Muppet replicas cost). Rumor has it that Kermit is still trying to pay off his student loans from his Danhurst College days way back in 1984. How can a Muppet fan pay for his/her college, yet still have enough funding to purchase all of the fantastic new Muppet merchandise raining down upon us? Well, first I suggest you read "Muppets on a Budget," then why not get a job?

All of the greatest Muppets have jobs (except for those free-loaders like Robin the Frog, Big Bird, and Elmo; along with the inexplicably unemployed Bert and Ernie). Some even have numerous jobs. You're a Muppet fan, why don't you want to get a job? Maybe a local theater has an opening for a go-fer? Are you a singing pig or a bear who tells jokes? Check that same theater! Perhaps a small grocery store called Hoopers could use a stock-boy? Have you ever considered acting as a lovely assistant? I know a hook-nosed blue weirdo who's hiring...

Money makes the world go round, and so will it make your college life easier--especially if modeled after the Muppets!

With these five handy tips, you too can thrive in college while still retaining and embracing your Muppet fandom. In fact, your Muppet fandom is what will cause you to thrive in college! It's a win-win situation!