How To... Identify a Look-Alike

Max Jessop - Hey-ho, hi-ho, and ho-hum, my friends! And welcome to another (late) edition of How To... Like we’ve said in previous How To’s, we care about your personal health and security... you know, until we get to the disclaimer. Either way, we want to help you, the reader, with dangers of real life. So today, we aim to help you with the serious issue of identity theft. It can happen to anyone, even easily distinguishable frogs. Here’s how to spot one.

The Muppet Mindset Lackadaisically Presents…

HOW TO…

Identify a Look-Alike

1. Before one truly begins differentiating, make sure there is true suspicion regarding the identity of your friend or family member. You never know, your twin brother could just look different because he doesn’t have his hat on.
2. Next, seek out speech patterns. If your friend doesn’t seem to be talking normally or has, out of the blue, developed a thick Russian accent, the odds of it not being him or her are in your favor.
3. Try to find physical differences. Moles and other facial marks are good signs that can help you tell the difference. But, mind you, a mole can be easily covered up. So, watch out for any bumps or warts that seemingly match your friend’s skin tone.
4. Distinguish clothing differences. Assuming your friend only wears a collar, make sure to see if it is the same one as your friend. Even the smallest differences, like difference in number of points and length, can all play a role in discovering a doppleganger.
5. Keep track of his social interactions. Other suspicious characters that may come into the picture can be pinpointed as possible accomplices in his identity theft and other possible crimes he might be committing under your friend’s name.
6. Look at your surroundings. In other words, try and put two and two together and keep a sharp eye out for recently escaped convicts in the area as well as those who have been previously convicted of identity theft.
7. Throughout this all, keep track of his all-around behavior. He may be acting differently and out of character, trusting people he hasn’t before and giving authority to those he hasn’t given it to before as well.
8. Finally, after you’ve tracked the differences, be sure to contact a local authority and convict him. Just don’t do anything rash that might be cause for revenge and a possible sequel.

DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset cannot, will not, have not, what not, and shan’t not be held responsible for any physical, mental, emotional, mythical, prestidigitatorial consequences resulting from thoroughly inspecting or, as they call it in the lawyer world, “stalking” an escaped and an identity thief. We do not advise physically examining an identity thief, especially in attempting to discover the authenticity of his or hers beauty mark. That would be just like asking for physical, mental, emotional, mythical, or prestidigitatorial consequences right there. If, however, you manage to even find any sort of evidence supporting possible identity theft, contact an authority [or Russian gulag played by Tina Fey] immediately before there is anything that we could be held liable for. Which reminds me, DON’T SUE US. Like under any circumstance! No, sir-ee! Our lawyer is my new Disney Store plush of Rowlf the Dog, for Pete’s Luncheonette’s sake! I really don’t know why we chose him, but he’s just so gosh darn huggable there’s no way I can’t say no to him. Anyway, just don’t sue us! We don’t want that kind of conflict!

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

Muppetology 101 - Basic Frog Cloning

Maxwell Jessop - Welcome again to Muppetology 101. It’s me, Max the How To guy! I’m here to guest lecture again. This time I’m going to discuss examples of Kermit the Frog doppelgängers in history. You’d be surprised how numerous they are.

The Mechanical Wind-Up TV Show Host

• This Kermit look-alike is the first doppelgänger, not counting impersonators in costume, to be seen in their long history. The Mechanical Wind-Up TV Show Host, sometimes called Robot Kermit, was made by J.P. Grosse in Episode 104 of The Muppet Show. He is made in the exact image of Kermit and, using his likeness, took over hosting duties and made out of character advances to Miss Piggy. At the end of the episode, much to Kermit’s enjoyment, the Mechanical Wind-Up TV Show Host breaks down, leaving Kermit to once again fulfill his duties.
• Differences: The Mechanical Wind-Up TV Show Host is much more aggressive and mischievous than Kermit, likes Miss Piggy romantically, and, very uncharacteristically, bears a wind-up key on his back.

The Koozebanian Phoob

• The Koozebanian Phoob, while only appearing in one sketch, is one of the more difficult-to-identify Kermit dead-ringers. He begins the sketch bearing blue shaggy fur, a long, forked tongue, thick black eyebrows, yellow-tinted eyes, and fangs. But, as he explains himself in the sketch, he evolves faster than other Koozebanian creatures, allowing him to transform and shape-shift into whatever he chooses. To illustrate, the Phoob transforms into Reporter Kermit and attempts to confuse the audience using this “Survival of the Trenchcoated” technique.
• Differences: More nasally voice (a la Jerry Nelson) and eventual devolution resulting in blue fur, fangs, long tongue, yellow eyes, and eye brows.

Lenny the Lizard

• While not quite a doppelganger and more an impersonator, Lenny the Lizard bears a sinister resemblance to Kermit the Frog. However, he looks more like Kermit in his Sam & Friends days. He bears pale turquoise skin, yellow-tinted eyes, flatter arms, and black eyebrows. He auditions to be the new host in Episode 208 of The Muppet Show and his shtick is eerily similar to the format Kermit uses.
• Difference: Pale green skin tone, yellow-tinted eyes, eyebrows, flatter arms, and deeper voice supplied by Richard Hunt.

Kermit the Pig

• Kermit the Pig is the head honcho of The Muppet Show for Episode 224 when the pigs take over the show. As host, Kermit the Pig attempts to emulate Kermit’s abilities and way of presenting, much like Robot Kermit and Lenny the Lizard. The appearance of Kermit the Pig is almost exactly the same as Kermit’s except with the addition of a snout and ears and a greener skin tone. Of course, all his efforts are futile when Kermit and the gang escape from the boiler room.
• Differences: Snout, ears, lighter green skin tone, and higher, more nasally voice courtesy of Dave Goelz.

Kismet the Toad

• Kismet the Toad appeared in The Muppet Show Comic Book arc "The Treasure of Peg-Leg Wilson." He is a no-nonsense conman whose art of convincingness has everyone believing he is Kermit the Frog. However, it is plain to see Kismet’s style nowhere near mimics that of Kermit. In all honesty, he tries very little at worthy impression, and relies on his street smart to win everyone over.
• Differences: Wears a leather jacket, plain white tee, dark sunglasses, and has malicious goals and evil tendencies.

Kermoot

• Member of the Moopets tribute group, Kermoot, despite being the Moopet equivalent of the star and host, barely gets a line in The Muppets and is relegated to a singing in the chorus upstage from Fozzie Bear. His appearance, however, like most Moopets, sets him apart from most Muppets and other talking frogs.
• Differences: Dark green skin tone, black eyebrows (I’m seeing a pattern), blue eyelids, mouth piercings, and urban (or gothic) black clothing.

Constantine

• Finally, the most recent and most popular Kermit doppelganger, Constantine. Based on the information we have regarding Muppets Most Wanted, Constantine is the number one most wanted frog in the world and a recently escaped convict. During the Muppets’ world tour, he makes use of his similarity to Kermit the Frog and makes a classic Prince and the Pauper-style switcheroo. Constantine is the most similar Kermit lookalike and only bears a prominent black mole on his right cheek and a shorter pointed collar as differences. He also has a Russian accent, is a black belt in karate, is a master of escape, and an expert of explosives. All in all, he can be summed up as Kermit if he was a criminal.
• Differences: Russian accent, mole on right cheek, shorter collar, occasionally wears a Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come-esque cloak, and skilled in villainous activities.

Well, there you have it. The history of Kermit the Frog--I mean, not Kermit--I mean Kermit lookalikes. This is so confusing! At least you know how to spot the difference!

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

News Update: January 16, 2014

JANUARY 16, 2014

The Muppets Most Wanted merchandise train is finally leaving the station at the Disney Store. Yesterday, our friend Max Jessop alerted us to the fact that new Muppet plush are being released for the movie. The characters being made into plush are Constantine and, most excitingly, Rowlf the Dog! Check out pictures of the plush below. We also have been told that a lot more Muppets Most Wanted stuff is on the way as well.

CBS This Morning got the chance to send one of its correspondents, Mo Rocca, to the set of Sesame Street recently, where he got to learn how to be a Muppet performer from our friends Matt Vogel and Martin P. Robinson. The video is really, really cool and fun. Gotta love seeing the Muppet performers given the spotlight they so richly deserve.

Muppets Most Wanted is in the running in MTV's Movie Brawl, a March Madness-style tournament pitting the year's most anticipated movies up against each other. Muppets Most Wanted is up against something called Camp X-Ray that I've never heard of. So let's rock the vote, Muppet fans, and make sure the Muppets win the first round (and the whole thing, if we can help it)!

In big, hugely exciting news, the Center for Puppetry Arts in Atlanta, Georgia announced this week their plans for a major expansion to be completed in 2015. The press release has everything you need to know about the amazing full expansion, but here is the relevant Muppet related info:

In 2007, Jim Henson’s family announced a momentous gift of puppets and props to the Center for Puppetry Arts. We are thrilled that approximately half of our expanded museum space will be dedicated to the Jim Henson Collection. 

This interactive exhibition will follow Henson’s prolific imagination chronologically, transporting visitors through environments that typified the master puppeteer’s world such as Jim’s Office and the Television Studio.

In addition to learning how Henson’s characters came to life and are stillperformed, visitors will be able to view iconic puppets such as Kermit 
the Frog and Miss Piggy.

We are so, so thrilled for our great friends at the Center. They are a huge part of keeping the art of puppetry alive and well and their museum is absolutely amazing. If you ever have the chance to visit them in Atlanta, I cannot recommend it enough. Already they have on display Big Bird, Rowlf, Dr. Teeth, Emmet Otter, Mokey and Red Fraggle, Link Hogthrob and Dr. Strangepork, and plenty, plenty more. Take the time to see it if you can!

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Get a Girl to Like You

Maxwell Jessop - Hello, dudes, dudettes... and other hip variations of the word dude! I'm back! Sorry for my inactivity around here. But I'm gonna make it up to you, because today I'm going to show all you singles out there how to win a lady... or a chicken... I get the two mixed up sometimes. I mean, aren't girls called chicks sometimes? Anyway, here it is!

The Muppet Mindset Calamitously Presents…

HOW TO…

Get a Girl to Like You

1. First things first, decide who you would like to date. Find someone you would like to show your affection to. Anyone will do, quite frankly. Remember, girls with feathers and beaks are not deal-breakers by any means.

2. After finding that one person, plan something special for her. Possibly bring her flowers. This is a very tricky thing, however, because some girls are allergic to such gifts. Hay fever isn't exactly something that'll boost your odds of her liking you.

3. If you don't want to try all the other clichés in the book (optional), try singing a song to win her heart. Write the song yourself. Women love that. Be sure to include lyrics like, "you’re prettier by far than Godzilla..."

4. By now you've probably won her love, if you didn't change your mind and fall in love with a big yellow canary, that is. Still, solidify your relationship. Take her on your wild and crazy escapades. Nothing shows your love more than strapping her to a motorboat and having her do her best impression of Tony Bennett singing "The William Tell Overture."

5. Take her to all your holiday activities. Come Christmas, she'll love to snuggle up with you around the fireplace. Just be careful. The Christmas Turkey has his eye on her. He’s one sly bird.

6. (Optional) Take her on vacations. I hear Walt Disney World is a fine place to be this summer. I'd recommend for you and your gal check out Walt Disney's Laundryland--the most romantic place west of the broom closet.

7. Listen closely for this one, be sure to remember her. I don't just mean keep her in your thoughts and don't forget to be romantic, do that, I guess. But, I mean, don't forget what she looks like. The color of her eyelids might be recognizable, but it's pretty hard to tell these girls apart.

8. Also, don't forget to cheer her on. Be there for her whenever she does something exciting. It won't always be as exciting as eating a rubber tire, but it's good to be there when she's showing her talents. Especially if she's singing a clucking rendition of Cee Lo Green's hit song, "Forget You."

9. Finally, cherish her. Because at this point, she's yours and you have succeeded in your goal to find a chicken---err---lady...

Disclaimer: The Muppet Mindset will not, cannot, and shan't not be liable for any emotional, physical, mental, metaphysical, or bacteriological damage associated with following the steps in this How To guide. We have literally no faith that these steps will work nor do we believe any dating advice with the style and mindset of Gonzo the Great will work. We do not condone treating women like chickens. We do, however, condone going to the world-renowned Walt Disney World laundry facilities. Please, just do not sue us. We're still in a legal rough patch. Right now, our lawyer is Ryan's fish he got at the State Fair. All he does is float around upside down at the top of the bowl in that scummy water...

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Enjoy a Hotel Stay

The Muppet Mindset Precariously Presents:

How To...

Enjoy a Hotel Stay

Maxwell Jessop - Well folks, it's January once again. The first month of the year. When people return to work and vacations begin to die down. Of course, that doesn't stop me, because today I'm going to show you people just how to enjoy a relaxing hotel stay. This'll really come in handy, I think... then again, I did base it off my stay at that ratty hotel... Nevertheless, here it is...

1. First, begin by checking in. This is a very simple step, you might think, but can be the most exciting one. Enjoy the hotel lobby, usually decorated to look quite unique or fancy. After taking in the surroundings, greet the check-in person, choose a standard payment (i.e., credit card, cash, or sneak out in the middle of the night), and make your way to your temporary home.
2. After unpacking your whoopee cushion, yo-yo, and other items, break in the room a bit. Lay on your bed. Look out your window. Sit down and watch TV... if your hotel has one, that is.
3. After step two, however, be sure to stay safe around your room. Critters and pests tend to sneak their way to an inn every now and again. Nothing too big to worry about, really. Just try and keep a wary eye out for bugs. Don't mind the rats, though, they're just there for the luggage.
4. Enjoy the free services of the hotel. Choose some food from room service. If you find the hotel does not have room service, ask the hotel's chef personally for his best dish. (Tip, watch out for steering wheel soufflé, it'll make your stomach turn).
5. Explore the rest of the hotel. Take another stroll through the lobby and possibly meet with another one of the hotel's guests and have a conversation. Just stay safe when doing so (so you should probably stay away from the crazy one with excessive red hair).
6. (Optional) Document your stay. Another common way people enjoy their hotel stay is to take pictures and write about their day. Photography can be a nice activity, but it's not for everyone. Especially those who don't have to complete a photographic essay on kneecaps.
7. If you're staying somewhere interesting, explore the city. Possibly see a local landmark, take a hot air balloon ride, or go to a Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery. (Renoir!)
8. Finally, after following these seven steps or possibly adding in one of your own, hop in your bed to rest a spell and ready yourself for the next day. Actually, try not to hop, those old Murphy beds have a tendency to spring up.

DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset is not liable for pain, injury, and disappointment when using this How To... Actually, we here at the Muppet Mindset disagree with most of these steps (we say most because we really do love steering wheel soufflé, it's our guilty pleasure) and discourage you from using this How To... We also do not have the rights to the Happiness Hotel and its descriptions (the Happiness Hotel itself probably doesn't either, though). We're really just covering our bases, at this point, to be honest. We just cannot be sued. Our new lawyer is Ryan's pet bird, Randy, and we've slowly discovered that all birds are not as smart as Big Bird. Randy just poops all over the place and repeats things we say. We're really desperate when it comes to lawyers. So yeah... just don't sue us!

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

Muppetology 101: Advanced Muppets and Macy's Analysis

Maxwell Jessop - Hello, class. It's me, that "How To" guy, Max Jessop! I'm subbing for Ryan who is taking off for Thanksgiving break... Oh, yeah. Only the teachers get Thanksgiving break this year. Sorry, I don't make the rules. But I do give you the lesson. And I'm going let you off easy this week because we are learning about the history of the Muppets at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!

The Muppets and Sesame Street cast have been well-versed in parades the likes of the "Stars and Motor Cars" parade at Disney's Hollywood Studios theme park in the Walt Disney World Resort and, obviously, Sesame Place theme park's entire line-up of parades. However, The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the most-watched parade, broadcast all across the world, has been filled with appearances by Jim Henson's creations.

The first ever appearance of Muppets in the Thanksgiving Day Parade came in 1974 when Sesame Street debuted a float based on 123 Sesame Street and Hooper's Store. Big Bird perched on the roof and the human cast members stood at the front of the float as they all rode through the town. Much like the current float you might see in this year's parade, Cookie Monster and other characters could be seen sticking their heads out of glassless windows. This float lasted five consecutive years, through 1978.

The 1977 parade was significant because Kermit the Frog was immortalized in balloon form. The amphibian was 63 feet tall and 24 feet wide and took about four hours and 5,220 cubic feet of helium to reach its full size that adorned two and a half miles of New York streets. This balloon appeared with a long run and, despite suffering a rip in the stomach in the 1985 parade, lasted until 1991.

The parade featured its biggest and most historical Muppet appearance in 1979, to promote The Muppet Movie, as the Muppets rolled onto the streets in the Electric Mayhem bus. That is, following closely behind Miss Piggy's custom Rolls Royce. The float was psychedelic as always. The Mayhem bus transported most of the main Muppeteers, while the Sesame Street float had to enlist new replacement performers for the parade.

After the 70s, the Muppets discontinued their Electric Mayhem float, leaving room for more Muppet content.  However much did not come to fruition, with the exception of a revamped Sesame Street float and a gargantuan Fraggle Rock float that appeared two years in a row. Thanks to YouTube we have a little video footage of that last one. By the 90s we were left with but a Big Bird balloon and the Sesame Street float.

Thankfully, A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie debuted on NBC in 2002. The 2000s brought Muppet presence back with a new and improved Kermit balloon as well as a Super Grover balloon that fittingly flew through the sky. Just a few years back, in 2008, we were treated to the real Kermit singing "I Believe" on the Central Park float near the end of the parade and an Abby Cadabby balloon to further introduce the character to viewers. Overall, the presence of Muppets in the parades is truly huge and who knows what the parade will bring this year or in the future.

Whew! Okay! I'm done. I can't believe I wrote all that! Well, I told you I'd let you off easy. Like always, there will be no test, exam, quiz, or query on this lesson, but you will be expected to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this year for another look at that spectacular Sesame Street float I keep mentioning. Have a great week, Ryan will pick back up... uh... whenever he feels like it, I guess?

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Be a Good Roommate

Maxwell Jessop - Welcome back, readers. Or should I say, students? I hope you're studying up for the Muppetology school season coming real soon. I know Ryan won't give tests, but... I hope you're studying anyway. But that's not why I'm here. You see this How To is for all those MMIT (Muppet Mindset Institute of Technology) students and anyone else who's staying on campus dorms with a roommate, especially the real boring ones. Knowing Muppet fans, you guys are pretty energetic. So here's a little How To to help you become a better roommate. For their sake.

The Muppet Mindset Disingenuously Presents...

HOW TO...

Be a Good Roommate

1. First off, start reevaluating yourself and slowly find out what your roommate does and does not like. So, put down the duckie and start to change!
2. Start small and decrease the noise in your room. Try to refrain from playing instruments, especially the drums, which can easily affect your roommate's quiet time. Additionally, try not to start spontaneous sing-alongs in the bathroom while your roommate is bathing... It gets really awkward, really fast (especially if there's a bass fiddle).
3. In another act of restraint, avoid taking off your roommate's nose. It doesn't make for pleasant conversation and tends to hinder smelling. I know it might help if you're sculpting an amazing likeness of him or her, but still, it's not nice.
4. I'd also advise not to play games a lot of times. Unless your roommate agrees to, which is likely if you start playing a game with rhymes. Hey, that rhymed!
5. Listen to your roommate and try to find common ground between the two of you. Oh, and if you're having trouble hearing him, take the banana out of your ear!
6. Don't waste his/her time. While it's nice to show your roommate something funny every once and a while, don't preoccupy his possible study time or quiet time with a short story that's really the alphabet or have him guess who you're playing when you're playing house.
7. Continuing on from number 6, don't hinder his sleep. He must get enough rest to sustain himself. That can't happen if you're eating cookies in his bed. (Also awkward.)
8. Moving on to what you should do, treat him nicely. Get to know him/her and try to enjoy the things he enjoys. Read a bit of his book, maybe take a look at his pet pigeon, maybe share a licorice whip with him/her. Just try not to hog it all.
9. Do more than just hang out in your dorm. If you two have any sort of rivalry, it will be hard to picture. But just hang out and become friends. Maybe go outside for some rock hunting, or dress a snowman, explore Egypt... maybe I'm a little ahead of myself here.
10. (Optional) Get your roommate a nice Christmas present. This step will help a lot to further your friendship and respect towards each other. Maybe it'll end up being some Gift of the Magi thing--you never know. The only expertise I can give for this step, is to get him/her something he'll cherish.
11. Lastly, respect him/her. All these steps will help, but just respect and kindness can go a long way. This is truly the way to be a good roommate.

DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset is not, has not, and most likely will never be legally accountable for any mental, emotional, physical, or antibacterial damage caused to you, your family, your roommate, or your roommate's pet pigeon by doing our steps. While, we assume that these steps would be nice for your roommate, we do not believe any of these steps will work for legal reasons... Heck, we don’t believe any of our How Tos work. We especially do not agree that taking your roommate to Egypt will help develop a friendship whatsoever--especially if said roommate is attacked by a mummy. Overall, we do not recommend this How To for actual use. Seriously, our lawyer is my friend Sydney’s cat. Hey, we needed a lawyer and Ryan is on a tight no-pet budget after Disney World, so, as always, don’t sue us!

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Say No To Wilkins Coffee

Maxwell Jessop - From a marketing standpoint, Wilkins is probably the good guy. But how about if you don’t like Wilkins Coffee or are biased about coffee at all? In these times you should be prepared. Yes... I know Wilkins Coffee is now defunct, and those were probably just short stories for advertising, but you should always be prepared for Wilkins and a bomb to be right there. That’s why I compiled a How To on... well, you’ve seen the title already. And if you haven’t...

The Muppet Mindset Questioningly Presents...

HOW TO...

Say No to Wilkins Coffee

1. First, always notice your surroundings and try to find the perfect conversation spot that can’t be found by that smiley character with a gun.
2. If you are found by Wilkins, try to avoid talking coffee. Though, its hard not to when you’re talking to Wilkins. Anyway, if coffee does come up, do not say negative things about Wilkins Coffee. Negative comments lead to negative results at the hospital.
3. Additionally, do not mention any other brand of coffee you enjoy. Maxwell House might be delicious, but it won’t help you here.
4. Statistics show, lying and saying good things about the Washington, D.C.-based coffee is successful. Though, if you do it wrong, i.e. say it’s "good" instead of "the best," you’re dead meat.
5. Avoid contact with weapons of any kind if possible or, better yet, try and have no weapons at all. But remember Wilkins can hit you with anything from bullets to batons, so don’t just keep an eye out for the big guns.
6. Remember Wilkins can often be found in disguises as well as in various settings. So, as a reminder, when trying to find security, don’t always look out for person you saw in on TV.
7. Now this is essential to the How To for today: be quick. Commercials for Wilkins Coffee were eight to ten seconds long and it usually took Wilkins three seconds to get out a hammer, so if there’s anything I need to stress to you about is be quick and know when to go!
8. Optional: It isn’t essential, but it’s good to stay positive. While Wilkins might convince you bad things happen to those who don’t drink Wilkins Coffee, with a positive head you’ll know it’s all just another scheme.
9. Now, the last step is the most important if you want to be able to not succumb to Wilkins Coffee. Don’t live in in Washington, D.C.

DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset does not, will not, and cannot be responsible for any physical, mental, or emotional damage caused upon meeting Wilkins or disagreeing that Wilkins Coffee is good. We cannot at all help legally if you, your friends, or family were shot, hit, cut, squished, punched, branded, pushed from a tree, pushed from a mountain, pushed off a boat, run over, shocked, burnt, sprayed with water, tarred and feathered, or crushed. Just covering our bases here. We really cannot get sued. Our lawyer now is Ryan’s new dog. He thought he’d qualify because he went to obedience school, but all he does is lay around watching Lassie. So please, don’t sue us. That isn't the bone we want to throw our new lawyer. So... yeah, just don’t sue us.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com