We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog for a very important newsflash:
Dateline, London: Reports are coming in that a British family that have been trying to infiltrate the Muppets since their most recent movie, Muppets Most Wanted, was announced may have finally succeeded. Suggestions that they have any connection to Constantine, the world’s most dangerous frog are currently unconfirmed.
Here at Muppet Mindset we have been granted an exclusive interview with their nefarious ringleader, Kieran Moore, before he is transported (by map) to a Russian gulag on charges of impersonating a celebrity and making a very brief cameo at the Muppets Most Wanted premiere in London. Here for the very first time is his story:
Kieran Moore - When I first heard that the Muppets would be filming in London I knew this was finally my chance to get up close and personal with my favourite fuzzy friends. I scoured the internet looking for details of where they might be and stumbled upon a website looking for extras to be in the movie. This was my chance! I applied straight away and found out that they would be filming just a few miles from my house. Unfortunately, my application to be in the movie was delivered in a yellow cab driven by Beauregard so I heard no more, but I knew where and when I might be able to find them and that was good enough for me.
Under cover of darkness (on a bright Saturday afternoon) my accomplices (niece Elenya and nephew Jared) drove out to where we knew they would be filming. This time our evil plan (ahem) chance to see the Muppets would not be thwarted. Except that we missed them by a day! We vowed that never again would we pass up the opportunity see them live. As the days turned to months our determination only grew stronger. We were desperate to see the movie and to be close to the Muppets. It was then that we came up with our Three-part Plan.
Since “If you can’t beat them join them” had already failed we decided to grow moustaches and start a whispering campaign. That was going great until we were rumbled by Liza Minnelli so I placed a call to a family member in the business of show and was eventually rewarded with some tickets to a press screening of Muppets Most Wanted in February. There were no Muppets in attendance, but we did at least get to see the film.
My initial thoughts were thus: I thought this had a much better story and plot than the last movie and it felt more like the kind of film the Muppets would have made under Jim’s watch. The Muppets are the star and the villain and rely on their own sense of worth much more. I was surprised by the runtime which is a fairly hefty 112 minutes, but the movie rarely drags. I think the movie possibly suffers in the editing in places so perhaps they had too much story! We’ll have to hold out for the deleted scenes to see. Certainly there were a few moments in the trailers I didn’t spot in the film, as is often the case.
I’m really pleased that they seem to be establishing the core group of Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter and Rowlf again. It makes me happy. The Electric Mayhem get to make “totally epic” music. And Rizzo and Robin get one of the best jokes in the movie. Lew Zealand seems to be getting more screen time recently and Swedish Chef seems to be getting less, and this movie does nothing to change this. I think as a general rule they seem to be juggling the vast array of characters that they have at their disposal pretty well, though I do want more Gonzo! Walter is kind of in a halfway house at this point; he has some major influence on the plot of the movie, but doesn’t really feel like part of the main gang yet. The jury is still out I think. Constantine is obviously the big addition to the gang this time and he’s wonderfully played. Perfect from start to finish; he’s scary and menacing yet funny at the same time. He genuinely could have a scare-factor for the very young. I wouldn’t want to cross him!
I should say that on first listen I enjoyed pretty much all of the songs, but none immediately stood out as a breakaway hit with the possible exception of “I’ll Get You What You Want (Cockatoo in Malibu)” which is a lot of fun. It works on its own level as well as it does in the film. I think “Something So Right” is this movie’s Oscar-bait song. As well as being a great song in its own right, it finally gives Piggy a musical moment in a movie I can enjoy. I wasn’t crazy on the Celine Dion cameo as I think she pulls focus from Piggy and it’s really her moment, but overall I thought the cameos were great. I do think in general they should be funnier though rather than just shoehorning in a well-known face for the sake of it. All in all, I think it’s as close to perfect as a Muppet movie can get right now, but that only made it all the more important that we get close to Kermit and co.
Using highly sophisticated tracking equipment and Google, we were able to pinpoint our next target – The Muppets Most Wanted London Premiere (in London). After all this time we knew what we had to do. Taking just ourselves, our Whatnots (Ells Bells and Johnny Starlight) and some paper towels we would catch the Muppets red handed (but only after we’d determined what colour their hands were now)!
Arriving early we snagged a space right against the barrier not far from the stage area where Kermit, Miss Piggy and Constantine would be appearing. Our decision to bring the Whatnots had proved to be a masterstroke of genius as they certainly got us noticed. We were filmed by several TV stations that were doing establishing shots and crucially they caught the eye of security. It might seem like an odd choice for people who are working undercover to get to the Muppets to try and attract attention, but that was the beauty of our plan...
The next thing we knew the premiere was in full swing; The Muppets drove the red carpet in a black cab and then made way for Ricky Gervais, Ty Burrell and James Bobin to walk and talk the red carpet. We got autographs from Ty and James, but truth be told we didn’t care, our dreams were coming true as the Muppets were right there in front of us in the flesh(?)! We were determined to stay to the bitter end. Surely life doesn’t get better than this?
Suddenly we caught the eye of security and figured we’d been rumbled. In a panic we were told to go to the edge of the barrier and wait for security to take us away. This was it we were going down (gulp).
And it was true; we were going down--the red carpet! Looking like insane Muppet fans had finally worked in our favour! We were attending the premier! We walked past the photographers and straight in to the cinema where big comfy seats and big comfy goodie bags awaited! I’m not sure I’ve ever been that happy/excited, not just for me, but for the kids too. Here they were in the same room as their idols attending a Muppet premiere!! I was sat directly behind Stanley Tucci, or S-Dawg as I now call him (at least until the restraining order). Life does not get any better!
I think if I can take one lesson from this it’s that evil plotting sometimes works, so stay in school kids and one day maybe you can blag something cool for free! In other news, London Metropolitan Police have confirmed that The Tower of London has been stolen. Details at 11:00.
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, email@example.com