The Muppet Mindset Doubtfully Presents…
Make Friends With a Rat
- Find a rat, whether in a basement, dark alley, at Pete's Luncheonette, or in a testing lab at C.O.V.N.E.T. Any rat will do.
- Make sure you have food, rats love food. This will definitely win you over with a rat. Who knows, he might make you an honorary rat!
- Once you've gotten on the rat's good side, get to know your rat. Was he named after a character from Midnight Cowboy? Does he have a crush on Brooke Shields?
- In contrast to #3, tell him about yourself. You'll really hit it off if you're blue and a have an oddly-shaped nose.
- Now for the really fun part, start hanging out with the rat. Once you do this, you're guaranteed a solid friendship.
- Recite Charles Dickens. A little odd, but this will show of your zaniness and dedication to rampant narration.
- Go on a cruise. More specifically, a cruise on a pirate ship. It'll be a little dangerous, odd, and risky for both your life and your wallet, but it'll be worth it.
- By now, you two will be the best of friends. But to test the friendship, become roommates. If he's a true roommate and friend, he won't be bothered by your insane dreams about a goat and a dwarf and a jar of peanut butter.
- Optional step: Buy your rat a hat, jacket, and white t-shirt to keep him both warm and clothed. It also gives him something to wipe his hands on after he eats.
- If he's still your friend after all those misadventures and danger. You are lucky... and you've accomplished your goal! But remember cherish your friend even if he does have an uncanny craving for cheese (or pizza or cookies or bologna or cereal or crab cakes or chicken or apples or anything else for that matter).
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, email@example.com