How To... Be a Salesman

Michael Wermuth - So you want to be a salesman? Well, here’s how a salesman must act. Oh, but there are at least three types of salesmen (and only three represented in this article)… Which type would you want to be the most?

Type 1: The Door-To-Door Salesman

As a door-to-door salesman, you get to go to people’s houses and sell things. Be sure to wear a good suit, even if you otherwise don’t wear clothes. The first thing you should do is knock on the door and provide your client with a fairly polite greeting. Some people don’t like having salesmen at their house and will try to quickly slam the door on you, but one way to keep the door open is to push your body to the door as soon as possible, preventing it from being slammed. You could also block the door with a body part. Most people use their foot, but some use their nose. I must warn you about this method, though: It hurts!

But suppose your customer doesn’t have the thing that your item is for? What if you’re selling earmuffs and your customer doesn’t have ears, or you’re selling nose warmers but he has no nose? Then just give your customer a set of ears or a nose! But then what if he DOES have what goes with what you’re selling, but no way to keep it up – let’s say you’re selling sunglasses and your customer has eyes but can’t wear them because he doesn’t have the ears or nose to hold the sunglasses on his face? Sell him sunglasses with ears and nose attached!

Type 2: The Street Salesman

To be a street salesman, you get to be out on the street. You must dress in a trench coat and fedora, and talk in a soft, whispery voice. If your potential customer repeats what you say, just “SHH!” him. And you should always be prepared to give a reason for your customer to buy what you’re selling. If you’re selling an empty box, tell him why he needs an empty box. Explain that it’s better than a box of yucky worms. Explain that an empty box will be useful in catching jellybeans if it rains them. If you want to sell a letter of the alphabet, tell him to look at that letter if he’s wondering what letter a word starts with – for example, if you’re selling a U, tell him to look at the U if your customer is up all night wondering what letter the word “up” starts with. And try to be flexible: If your letter is made from a rope attached to poles, it’ll be easy to change your letter if your customer wants a different one. A U-shaped rope can easily be changed into a V or a W. And if you’re selling invisible ice cream cones, sell different flavors, and try to make it clear if you don’t accept invisible money.

Type 3: The Pitch Man

The pitch man makes sales pitches, particularly for successful variety shows. To make a proper sales pitch, you must start out mild mannered and talk at a normal pace, but soon get carried away and talk at a faster speed. This is in contrast to the street salesman, where you must talk loudly and be more excited. Mention all the benefits of what’s being sold here, and wildly exaggerate whatever results you think will happen.

Disclaimer: The Muppet Mindset shall not be held responsible for body injuries from stopping customers from slamming their doors, and do not encourage scamming customers, selling illegally-acquired letters, numbers, or other products. The Muppet Mindset is also not responsible for customers not buying your products. Sell at your own risk.






The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Identify a Look-Alike

Max Jessop - Hey-ho, hi-ho, and ho-hum, my friends! And welcome to another (late) edition of How To... Like we’ve said in previous How To’s, we care about your personal health and security... you know, until we get to the disclaimer. Either way, we want to help you, the reader, with dangers of real life. So today, we aim to help you with the serious issue of identity theft. It can happen to anyone, even easily distinguishable frogs. Here’s how to spot one.

The Muppet Mindset Lackadaisically Presents…

HOW TO…

Identify a Look-Alike

1. Before one truly begins differentiating, make sure there is true suspicion regarding the identity of your friend or family member. You never know, your twin brother could just look different because he doesn’t have his hat on.
2. Next, seek out speech patterns. If your friend doesn’t seem to be talking normally or has, out of the blue, developed a thick Russian accent, the odds of it not being him or her are in your favor.
3. Try to find physical differences. Moles and other facial marks are good signs that can help you tell the difference. But, mind you, a mole can be easily covered up. So, watch out for any bumps or warts that seemingly match your friend’s skin tone.
4. Distinguish clothing differences. Assuming your friend only wears a collar, make sure to see if it is the same one as your friend. Even the smallest differences, like difference in number of points and length, can all play a role in discovering a doppleganger.
5. Keep track of his social interactions. Other suspicious characters that may come into the picture can be pinpointed as possible accomplices in his identity theft and other possible crimes he might be committing under your friend’s name.
6. Look at your surroundings. In other words, try and put two and two together and keep a sharp eye out for recently escaped convicts in the area as well as those who have been previously convicted of identity theft.
7. Throughout this all, keep track of his all-around behavior. He may be acting differently and out of character, trusting people he hasn’t before and giving authority to those he hasn’t given it to before as well.
8. Finally, after you’ve tracked the differences, be sure to contact a local authority and convict him. Just don’t do anything rash that might be cause for revenge and a possible sequel.

DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset cannot, will not, have not, what not, and shan’t not be held responsible for any physical, mental, emotional, mythical, prestidigitatorial consequences resulting from thoroughly inspecting or, as they call it in the lawyer world, “stalking” an escaped and an identity thief. We do not advise physically examining an identity thief, especially in attempting to discover the authenticity of his or hers beauty mark. That would be just like asking for physical, mental, emotional, mythical, or prestidigitatorial consequences right there. If, however, you manage to even find any sort of evidence supporting possible identity theft, contact an authority [or Russian gulag played by Tina Fey] immediately before there is anything that we could be held liable for. Which reminds me, DON’T SUE US. Like under any circumstance! No, sir-ee! Our lawyer is my new Disney Store plush of Rowlf the Dog, for Pete’s Luncheonette’s sake! I really don’t know why we chose him, but he’s just so gosh darn huggable there’s no way I can’t say no to him. Anyway, just don’t sue us! We don’t want that kind of conflict!

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Make School More Muppety

Kyle Mahoney - As the beginning of the 2013-2014 school year approaches, our minds think of very specific things: New shoes, autumn, essays, and, of course, MUPPETS.

As I’m sure most of you can relate, I've been cramming as many Muppets into my summer as possible by watching DVDs, listening to music and burning through my savings by buying Muppet stuff. But as the school year approaches people wonder how they can keep Muppety while also going to classes, doing homework, and dealing with (dramatic pause) people.

But with these five easy steps you can have the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational school year ever.

1.   Muppet School Supplies: During your classes you will be using pencils, pens, folders, binders, pencil cases, and lots of other stuff. So do your best to stock up on these items featuring Muppets and Sesame Street characters. And if you are a collector of sorts maybe even your Dinosaurs School Kit! Looking at the beautiful faces of Jim Henson’s creations will make learning even easier!

2.   Muppet Music: This one is a no-brainer. When walking to and from school or to and from classes, just pop in your headphones and listen to the songs you’ve been listening to all summer. These songs will get you amped and ready for education!

3.   Sesame Street: It’s educational... so watch it.

4.   Clubs/Events/Performances: If you are part of a club and need an event to raise funds remember that everyone loves a Muppet movie! Don’t be afraid to host movie nights, many of your classmates will come. Many schools also have performance events where students can show off their stuff. Feel free to be a performer in these events and show off your love of Henson by singing or re-enacting.

5.   Get creative when assigned projects: Many teachers/professors in recent years have been giving students the option to choose their own topics for their papers/projects as long as they stay within the general assignment. This is especially used in Communications and Media classes. But whenever possible try and use the Muppets to help get you better grades.

With these five tips I can 100% guarantee that you will shoot to the top of your class and become valedictorian on your first day of school.*

The Muppet Mindset can not be held responsible for the academic standing of it’s readers--let alone its writers. In addition to the tips above, determination, a good work ethic, brown-nosing, and many other things are the key to getting good grades at school. None of these tips are proven to work, so please don't assume such. Also, don't tell your teachers, parents, or school administrators where you got any of these ideas. We can't handle another lawsuit.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Get a Girl to Like You

Maxwell Jessop - Hello, dudes, dudettes... and other hip variations of the word dude! I'm back! Sorry for my inactivity around here. But I'm gonna make it up to you, because today I'm going to show all you singles out there how to win a lady... or a chicken... I get the two mixed up sometimes. I mean, aren't girls called chicks sometimes? Anyway, here it is!

The Muppet Mindset Calamitously Presents…

HOW TO…

Get a Girl to Like You

1. First things first, decide who you would like to date. Find someone you would like to show your affection to. Anyone will do, quite frankly. Remember, girls with feathers and beaks are not deal-breakers by any means.

2. After finding that one person, plan something special for her. Possibly bring her flowers. This is a very tricky thing, however, because some girls are allergic to such gifts. Hay fever isn't exactly something that'll boost your odds of her liking you.

3. If you don't want to try all the other clichés in the book (optional), try singing a song to win her heart. Write the song yourself. Women love that. Be sure to include lyrics like, "you’re prettier by far than Godzilla..."

4. By now you've probably won her love, if you didn't change your mind and fall in love with a big yellow canary, that is. Still, solidify your relationship. Take her on your wild and crazy escapades. Nothing shows your love more than strapping her to a motorboat and having her do her best impression of Tony Bennett singing "The William Tell Overture."

5. Take her to all your holiday activities. Come Christmas, she'll love to snuggle up with you around the fireplace. Just be careful. The Christmas Turkey has his eye on her. He’s one sly bird.

6. (Optional) Take her on vacations. I hear Walt Disney World is a fine place to be this summer. I'd recommend for you and your gal check out Walt Disney's Laundryland--the most romantic place west of the broom closet.

7. Listen closely for this one, be sure to remember her. I don't just mean keep her in your thoughts and don't forget to be romantic, do that, I guess. But, I mean, don't forget what she looks like. The color of her eyelids might be recognizable, but it's pretty hard to tell these girls apart.

8. Also, don't forget to cheer her on. Be there for her whenever she does something exciting. It won't always be as exciting as eating a rubber tire, but it's good to be there when she's showing her talents. Especially if she's singing a clucking rendition of Cee Lo Green's hit song, "Forget You."

9. Finally, cherish her. Because at this point, she's yours and you have succeeded in your goal to find a chicken---err---lady...

Disclaimer: The Muppet Mindset will not, cannot, and shan't not be liable for any emotional, physical, mental, metaphysical, or bacteriological damage associated with following the steps in this How To guide. We have literally no faith that these steps will work nor do we believe any dating advice with the style and mindset of Gonzo the Great will work. We do not condone treating women like chickens. We do, however, condone going to the world-renowned Walt Disney World laundry facilities. Please, just do not sue us. We're still in a legal rough patch. Right now, our lawyer is Ryan's fish he got at the State Fair. All he does is float around upside down at the top of the bowl in that scummy water...

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Enjoy a Hotel Stay

The Muppet Mindset Precariously Presents:

How To...

Enjoy a Hotel Stay

Maxwell Jessop - Well folks, it's January once again. The first month of the year. When people return to work and vacations begin to die down. Of course, that doesn't stop me, because today I'm going to show you people just how to enjoy a relaxing hotel stay. This'll really come in handy, I think... then again, I did base it off my stay at that ratty hotel... Nevertheless, here it is...

1. First, begin by checking in. This is a very simple step, you might think, but can be the most exciting one. Enjoy the hotel lobby, usually decorated to look quite unique or fancy. After taking in the surroundings, greet the check-in person, choose a standard payment (i.e., credit card, cash, or sneak out in the middle of the night), and make your way to your temporary home.
2. After unpacking your whoopee cushion, yo-yo, and other items, break in the room a bit. Lay on your bed. Look out your window. Sit down and watch TV... if your hotel has one, that is.
3. After step two, however, be sure to stay safe around your room. Critters and pests tend to sneak their way to an inn every now and again. Nothing too big to worry about, really. Just try and keep a wary eye out for bugs. Don't mind the rats, though, they're just there for the luggage.
4. Enjoy the free services of the hotel. Choose some food from room service. If you find the hotel does not have room service, ask the hotel's chef personally for his best dish. (Tip, watch out for steering wheel soufflé, it'll make your stomach turn).
5. Explore the rest of the hotel. Take another stroll through the lobby and possibly meet with another one of the hotel's guests and have a conversation. Just stay safe when doing so (so you should probably stay away from the crazy one with excessive red hair).
6. (Optional) Document your stay. Another common way people enjoy their hotel stay is to take pictures and write about their day. Photography can be a nice activity, but it's not for everyone. Especially those who don't have to complete a photographic essay on kneecaps.
7. If you're staying somewhere interesting, explore the city. Possibly see a local landmark, take a hot air balloon ride, or go to a Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery. (Renoir!)
8. Finally, after following these seven steps or possibly adding in one of your own, hop in your bed to rest a spell and ready yourself for the next day. Actually, try not to hop, those old Murphy beds have a tendency to spring up.

DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset is not liable for pain, injury, and disappointment when using this How To... Actually, we here at the Muppet Mindset disagree with most of these steps (we say most because we really do love steering wheel soufflé, it's our guilty pleasure) and discourage you from using this How To... We also do not have the rights to the Happiness Hotel and its descriptions (the Happiness Hotel itself probably doesn't either, though). We're really just covering our bases, at this point, to be honest. We just cannot be sued. Our new lawyer is Ryan's pet bird, Randy, and we've slowly discovered that all birds are not as smart as Big Bird. Randy just poops all over the place and repeats things we say. We're really desperate when it comes to lawyers. So yeah... just don't sue us!

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Live on Sesame Street

The Muppet Mindset Repentantly presents...

HOW TO...

Live on Sesame Street

1. First and foremost, come to terms with the fact that your friendly neighbors there will be monsters, talking food, singing cows, massive birds, hairy Snuffleupaguses (Snuffleupagi?), grouchy Grouches, arithmetic-loving vampires, fairies, Berts, Ernies, and normal people named Bob, Gordon, Susan, Maria, Luis, Alan, Gina, Chris, and Leela.
2. Become accepting of everyone's faults and flaws and learn that everyone is special and can do anything they want if they believe in themselves.
3. Sing, sing a song. Sing out loud, sing out strong. Sing of good things--not bad. Sing of happy--not sad. Make it simple to last your whole life long. Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just sing, sing a song.
4. Find your niche. Will you be a grouch? A friendly monster? A caring adult? An operatic flamingo? A Count? A Snuffleupagus? Whatever you choose, you're sure to be welcome on Sesame Street.
5. Learn to live with terrible waiter service when you visit Charlie's Restaurant.
6. Accept that you may never be able to make fresh baked cookies again without getting visited by a large, ravenous blue monster.
7. Buy a calendar so that you can clearly label every day with the Letter, Number, and Word of each day. It'll save you a lot of embarrassment if anyone--especially a celebrity--asks you about them.
8. Put aside money for a roof repair budget in case Super Grover decides to pay you a visit.
9. Remember that Zoe's pet rock, Rocco, is not just a rock, he's a rock with a passion for great art.
10. Be careful around pumpkins. Anyone of them could be anything accidentally turned into a pumpkin by Abby Cadabby.
11. Do NOT step on any insects! You never know if any of them are Twiddlebugs with a wife and kids or a worm who has been to the moon and back.
12. Most of all... find out how to get, how to get to Sesame Street.

DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset does not entirely support the idea that you can live on Sesame Street. Of course it would be a spectacular place to reside but our lawyers require is to inform you that it may or may not just be a magical place that is inside all of us. Whatever that means. However, we still recommend that you avoid stepping on bugs. It's really just not nice and they could have families, but have probably never been to the moon. Also, do not expect real vampires to count instead of bite you or real monsters to provide you with waiter service rather than maul you. And if you do come across an eight foot two inch yellow bird, please contact your local ornithologist and local PBS station.






The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Be a Good Roommate

Maxwell Jessop - Welcome back, readers. Or should I say, students? I hope you're studying up for the Muppetology school season coming real soon. I know Ryan won't give tests, but... I hope you're studying anyway. But that's not why I'm here. You see this How To is for all those MMIT (Muppet Mindset Institute of Technology) students and anyone else who's staying on campus dorms with a roommate, especially the real boring ones. Knowing Muppet fans, you guys are pretty energetic. So here's a little How To to help you become a better roommate. For their sake.

The Muppet Mindset Disingenuously Presents...

HOW TO...

Be a Good Roommate

1. First off, start reevaluating yourself and slowly find out what your roommate does and does not like. So, put down the duckie and start to change!
2. Start small and decrease the noise in your room. Try to refrain from playing instruments, especially the drums, which can easily affect your roommate's quiet time. Additionally, try not to start spontaneous sing-alongs in the bathroom while your roommate is bathing... It gets really awkward, really fast (especially if there's a bass fiddle).
3. In another act of restraint, avoid taking off your roommate's nose. It doesn't make for pleasant conversation and tends to hinder smelling. I know it might help if you're sculpting an amazing likeness of him or her, but still, it's not nice.
4. I'd also advise not to play games a lot of times. Unless your roommate agrees to, which is likely if you start playing a game with rhymes. Hey, that rhymed!
5. Listen to your roommate and try to find common ground between the two of you. Oh, and if you're having trouble hearing him, take the banana out of your ear!
6. Don't waste his/her time. While it's nice to show your roommate something funny every once and a while, don't preoccupy his possible study time or quiet time with a short story that's really the alphabet or have him guess who you're playing when you're playing house.
7. Continuing on from number 6, don't hinder his sleep. He must get enough rest to sustain himself. That can't happen if you're eating cookies in his bed. (Also awkward.)
8. Moving on to what you should do, treat him nicely. Get to know him/her and try to enjoy the things he enjoys. Read a bit of his book, maybe take a look at his pet pigeon, maybe share a licorice whip with him/her. Just try not to hog it all.
9. Do more than just hang out in your dorm. If you two have any sort of rivalry, it will be hard to picture. But just hang out and become friends. Maybe go outside for some rock hunting, or dress a snowman, explore Egypt... maybe I'm a little ahead of myself here.
10. (Optional) Get your roommate a nice Christmas present. This step will help a lot to further your friendship and respect towards each other. Maybe it'll end up being some Gift of the Magi thing--you never know. The only expertise I can give for this step, is to get him/her something he'll cherish.
11. Lastly, respect him/her. All these steps will help, but just respect and kindness can go a long way. This is truly the way to be a good roommate.

DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset is not, has not, and most likely will never be legally accountable for any mental, emotional, physical, or antibacterial damage caused to you, your family, your roommate, or your roommate's pet pigeon by doing our steps. While, we assume that these steps would be nice for your roommate, we do not believe any of these steps will work for legal reasons... Heck, we don’t believe any of our How Tos work. We especially do not agree that taking your roommate to Egypt will help develop a friendship whatsoever--especially if said roommate is attacked by a mummy. Overall, we do not recommend this How To for actual use. Seriously, our lawyer is my friend Sydney’s cat. Hey, we needed a lawyer and Ryan is on a tight no-pet budget after Disney World, so, as always, don’t sue us!

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com

How To... Say No To Wilkins Coffee

Maxwell Jessop - From a marketing standpoint, Wilkins is probably the good guy. But how about if you don’t like Wilkins Coffee or are biased about coffee at all? In these times you should be prepared. Yes... I know Wilkins Coffee is now defunct, and those were probably just short stories for advertising, but you should always be prepared for Wilkins and a bomb to be right there. That’s why I compiled a How To on... well, you’ve seen the title already. And if you haven’t...

The Muppet Mindset Questioningly Presents...

HOW TO...

Say No to Wilkins Coffee

1. First, always notice your surroundings and try to find the perfect conversation spot that can’t be found by that smiley character with a gun.
2. If you are found by Wilkins, try to avoid talking coffee. Though, its hard not to when you’re talking to Wilkins. Anyway, if coffee does come up, do not say negative things about Wilkins Coffee. Negative comments lead to negative results at the hospital.
3. Additionally, do not mention any other brand of coffee you enjoy. Maxwell House might be delicious, but it won’t help you here.
4. Statistics show, lying and saying good things about the Washington, D.C.-based coffee is successful. Though, if you do it wrong, i.e. say it’s "good" instead of "the best," you’re dead meat.
5. Avoid contact with weapons of any kind if possible or, better yet, try and have no weapons at all. But remember Wilkins can hit you with anything from bullets to batons, so don’t just keep an eye out for the big guns.
6. Remember Wilkins can often be found in disguises as well as in various settings. So, as a reminder, when trying to find security, don’t always look out for person you saw in on TV.
7. Now this is essential to the How To for today: be quick. Commercials for Wilkins Coffee were eight to ten seconds long and it usually took Wilkins three seconds to get out a hammer, so if there’s anything I need to stress to you about is be quick and know when to go!
8. Optional: It isn’t essential, but it’s good to stay positive. While Wilkins might convince you bad things happen to those who don’t drink Wilkins Coffee, with a positive head you’ll know it’s all just another scheme.
9. Now, the last step is the most important if you want to be able to not succumb to Wilkins Coffee. Don’t live in in Washington, D.C.

DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset does not, will not, and cannot be responsible for any physical, mental, or emotional damage caused upon meeting Wilkins or disagreeing that Wilkins Coffee is good. We cannot at all help legally if you, your friends, or family were shot, hit, cut, squished, punched, branded, pushed from a tree, pushed from a mountain, pushed off a boat, run over, shocked, burnt, sprayed with water, tarred and feathered, or crushed. Just covering our bases here. We really cannot get sued. Our lawyer now is Ryan’s new dog. He thought he’d qualify because he went to obedience school, but all he does is lay around watching Lassie. So please, don’t sue us. That isn't the bone we want to throw our new lawyer. So... yeah, just don’t sue us.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com