How To... Say No To Wilkins Coffee

Maxwell Jessop - From a marketing standpoint, Wilkins is probably the good guy. But how about if you don’t like Wilkins Coffee or are biased about coffee at all? In these times you should be prepared. Yes... I know Wilkins Coffee is now defunct, and those were probably just short stories for advertising, but you should always be prepared for Wilkins and a bomb to be right there. That’s why I compiled a How To on... well, you’ve seen the title already. And if you haven’t...

The Muppet Mindset Questioningly Presents...

HOW TO...

Say No to Wilkins Coffee

1. First, always notice your surroundings and try to find the perfect conversation spot that can’t be found by that smiley character with a gun.
2. If you are found by Wilkins, try to avoid talking coffee. Though, its hard not to when you’re talking to Wilkins. Anyway, if coffee does come up, do not say negative things about Wilkins Coffee. Negative comments lead to negative results at the hospital.
3. Additionally, do not mention any other brand of coffee you enjoy. Maxwell House might be delicious, but it won’t help you here.
4. Statistics show, lying and saying good things about the Washington, D.C.-based coffee is successful. Though, if you do it wrong, i.e. say it’s "good" instead of "the best," you’re dead meat.
5. Avoid contact with weapons of any kind if possible or, better yet, try and have no weapons at all. But remember Wilkins can hit you with anything from bullets to batons, so don’t just keep an eye out for the big guns.
6. Remember Wilkins can often be found in disguises as well as in various settings. So, as a reminder, when trying to find security, don’t always look out for person you saw in on TV.
7. Now this is essential to the How To for today: be quick. Commercials for Wilkins Coffee were eight to ten seconds long and it usually took Wilkins three seconds to get out a hammer, so if there’s anything I need to stress to you about is be quick and know when to go!
8. Optional: It isn’t essential, but it’s good to stay positive. While Wilkins might convince you bad things happen to those who don’t drink Wilkins Coffee, with a positive head you’ll know it’s all just another scheme.
9. Now, the last step is the most important if you want to be able to not succumb to Wilkins Coffee. Don’t live in in Washington, D.C.

DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset does not, will not, and cannot be responsible for any physical, mental, or emotional damage caused upon meeting Wilkins or disagreeing that Wilkins Coffee is good. We cannot at all help legally if you, your friends, or family were shot, hit, cut, squished, punched, branded, pushed from a tree, pushed from a mountain, pushed off a boat, run over, shocked, burnt, sprayed with water, tarred and feathered, or crushed. Just covering our bases here. We really cannot get sued. Our lawyer now is Ryan’s new dog. He thought he’d qualify because he went to obedience school, but all he does is lay around watching Lassie. So please, don’t sue us. That isn't the bone we want to throw our new lawyer. So... yeah, just don’t sue us.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com