Maxwell Jessop - Here at The Muppet Mindset, we like to make sure you have the best in personal safety. So, we decided for a How To this week, we would show you what to do and not do in the presence of ferocious bear.
The Muppet Mindset (Skeptically) Presents...
Act Around Bears
- First thing first: always keep a cool head when around a bear. Acting calm is the best way to be with bears.
- Another good way of not being mauled by these ursine beasts, make them laugh. Bears love comedy. If you give 'em shtick, you won't need a stick (to hit them with).
- For another way of avoiding these beasts, disguise yourself. If you put on a necktie and a porkpie hat, (or just this) you can blend right in with the pack. They'll hardly recognize you.
- A piece of advice, never heckle a bear. Heckling can turn a bear into a blood-thirsty beast ready to pounce in under a second... Or it will make the bear worry self-consciously until it thinks of a good joke to fire back with... either way, avoid it.
- A lot of times, when approaching an animal, you give it food or some sort of gift. With a bear, give him a banana (which he'll proceed to put in his ear).
- Similarly, get on his good side by performing "The Banana Sketch"... What? You've never heard of the banana sketch... Well, I'm appalled... and you call yourselves Muppet fans.
- Bears are also master pick-pockets, they just don't know it. So keep your valuables safe. They can even pick-pocket a person who has no pants.
- While you should take into account all this advice, remember that a mother bear is a very protective type of bear. It's key that you don't make a bad impression in front of her or she might get angry.. or end up sleeping through whatever you did. Either way, be careful.
- All of this are just among the options of what you should do in such a case, but the most effective in this scenario is to sing an upbeat duet of "Movin' Right Along" as you drive to Hollywood in a Studebaker. Then you're guaranteed safe from bears.
DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset does not at all (and when we say not at all we mean not at all) encourage you to follow the rules and options written here. We are not obligated to cover any injury to you, your family, friend, or pet hedgehog by result of treating an actual bear like Fozzie Bear of the Muppets fame. We are also not obligated to treat your vintage Studebaker in the case that a bear tears up your upholstery, because that's probably what will happen if you let a bear in your car. Seriously, just don’t follow any of these rules. We're just your average everyday Joes (and Joe-ettes) trying to run a blog about Muppets. We don't want to get in any legal trouble, here. Remember, our lawyer is... wait who's our lawyer again? We've lost our lawyer. So, can you not sue us? Thanks.
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, firstname.lastname@example.org